In this episode

  • A child who is cooperative at school and difficult at home does not always have a problem.
  • All day long a preschool child waits their turn, follows instructions and tries to keep their feelings in check; the tiredness and frustration that build up can come out at home, where they feel safest.
  • Accepting a feeling is not the same as allowing every behaviour: "I can see you're very angry, but you can't hit me."
  • Instead of meeting a child at the door with a stream of questions, give them room first: something to eat, some play, a hug, some rest.
  • If the behaviour is very intense or long-lasting, or there is reluctance to go to school, constant anxiety, or changes in sleep or appetite, it may need a closer look.

Transcript

Hello. I'm Sinem Batum Gökçer, a psychologist in the Psychological Counselling and Guidance Unit at TED Üsküdar College, and this is the first episode of our podcast, Parent Notes.

Today I want to talk about a situation that parents of preschool children come across very often. I have met many parents who ask: "Her teacher says she is very well-adjusted at school, but when she comes home she is constantly angry, she cries, she objects to everything. Sometimes she is very difficult with her grandmother or with us. Why does this happen?"

First of all, I want to say that this does not always mean there is a problem. A child who is cooperative at school and more difficult at home may actually be telling us something important. Could it be that the child is holding themselves together at school?

We know that preschool children have a great deal to manage during the day. They wait their turn, follow instructions, navigate their friendships, listen to their teacher, sometimes take part in an activity they don't want to do, and all day long they are actually trying to keep these feelings under control. So we see the child working hard to do many things that look small to adults.

And when they come home, they arrive in a place where they feel safe. That is why the tiredness, frustration and emotional load they have stored up during the day can sometimes come out at home. This does not mean the child doesn't respect their mother or father. Quite the opposite: we could say they express their feelings more freely where they feel safe.

So does this mean we have to accept every behaviour at home? Of course not. Accepting a child's feeling and allowing every behaviour are two very different things. For example, when we say "I can see you're very angry, but you can't hit me," we are setting an appropriate limit. Or when we say "You might be very tired from school today. It looks like you need some rest now," we both acknowledge the feeling and still set the limit. We never try to make the child's feeling go away or ignore it, but we don't give their behaviour unlimited room either.

As soon as they get home, it helps to give them some space rather than asking questions. Parents are naturally very curious about what their child did all day. But instead of asking question after question the moment they walk in — "How was school, what did you do today, what did your teacher say, who did you play with, what did you eat?" — leaving a little room can sometimes work better. Maybe they will first want something to eat, then some play, a cuddle, or perhaps just rest. Because sometimes what children need after school is not to talk, but to reorganise themselves, calm down again and return to a regulated state.

So when should we pay attention? Of course, it wouldn't be right to treat all anger at home as normal either. If the behaviour is very intense and long-lasting, if it clearly affects the child's daily life or relationships, or if we see reluctance to go to school, constant anxiety, or changes in sleep or appetite, it may need a closer look. But if a child is very cooperative at school and occasionally a bit angrier at home, that on its own may not be a sign of a problem.

Perhaps we can look at a child's struggles when they come home in a slightly different way: Did they hold themselves together today, and are they now relaxing with me? What do they need from me right now, what do they want to see? Instead of solving the problem, how can I stand beside them? Because when we try to see not only children's behaviour but also the need behind it, we can support them better.

Until the next episode, when we'll talk about another parenting topic. Thank you for listening.